Monday, May 9, 2011

Rant - The Texas Rangers Mascot, Captain

I love the Texas Rangers. For the longest time, I liked their mascot too. With the exception of Mavs Man, he was the mascot that I wasn't truly beaten down by. Champ plays second fiddle to Mavs Man, and the Cowboys mascot, Rowdy, needs to go away...forever. Commence rant.

One beautiful summer day, my dear friend Greg hooked Derek and I up with some incredible 6th row seats behind the Rangers dugout. With the combination of playoff-caliber baseball, cold beer, and friendly camaraderie, this day reached such a peak that not even a sub-par dot race could ruin.

After a few innings and beers, I decide it's time for my must-have-at-any-game staple, a salted pretzel with mustard. If you know me, then you know that I like a pretzel-to-mustard ratio of at least 3:2. Unlike the American Airlines Center, The Rangers Ballpark In Arlington doesn't provide paper cups to host your condiments. To this day, I am still forced to squeeze mustard directly onto the pretzel and use the wax paper as a drip receptacle.

I've made it down to my seat, pretzel in hand, knowing that I have checked off everything I needed to do at this game. The only thing remaining to make it a perfect trip would be a Rangers victory. I am sitting down with my knees closed, pretzel resting on my legs, while my mustard-soaked fingers peel it apart and enjoying every bit of it. Over my shoulder I notice quite the hubbub going on amongst the Ballpark patrons. It turns out that everyone's favorite mascot is making his way down the steps, holding babies, taking pictures, giving hi-fives.

The Rangers Captain thinks it would be an AWESOMELY FUN idea to sit in the seat directly in front of me instead of sitting on the steps or on top of the dugout as per usual. His giant mane made of nasty, unwashed, costume hair is now slathering all over the mustard on the pretzel in my lap. My knee-jerk reaction was to immediately yell, "HEY HEY HEY!" He obviously heard me because he stood up, turned around, and looked at me while I pointed to the mess he just made. He thought this was funny. I did not.

The future glue producer takes his furry mittens and purposely wipes his finger in the mustard on my lap. He then proceeds to pretend to lick it off, which is hilarious I know, but knowing he actually needs to get rid of the mustard on his costume, he wipes it ON MY FACE.

My face, once happy as can be, is now full of rage (and a dash of mustard). Captain turns around and heads for the dugout. It took succumbing to the reality of going to jail for me not to clothesline him off the dugout and onto the field. I then enjoyed what I could of the remainder of the game, and officially sworn off this mascot forever.

1 year later ...

We have the same seats, the jackass makes his way down our aisle, except this time he sits a few rows in front of us (probably a good call). Everyone is trying to get a picture with him, parents are holding out their arms saying "HOLD MY BABY!", and the place is going unnecessarily bananas. He decides to sit in an empty seat in front of a child who has to look around him to watch the game because his head is so freakin' big. Next, he steals from what looks to be a brand new hat off a little girl, and throws it on the ground intending to hide it from her. What a cute, fun game!

First of all, the child he sat in front of has good seats. Expensive seats. Good, expensive seats that you're going to force someone to look around you to watch the game. Secondly, I don't know how expensive brand new hats are at the Ballpark, but I can surely assume they aren't cheap. For Captain to nonchalantly throw it on the nacho/peanut shell/beer covered ground, is entirely bad form. He eventually got up and went to go stand on top of the dugout. It took succumbing to the reality of going to jail for me not to clothesline him off the dugout and onto the field...again.

In summary, Rangers Captain, you're dead to me.

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